A Glimpse

I haven't written in soooo long and for that I apologize but just know it's because life is very very busy!!!  When I actually don't have any homework left to do I spend every second of free time with my Mark.  We watch tons of movies together...it's our favorite!  A really sad but good one we watched recently is "What Maisie Knew".  It's the story of a little girl whose parents are going through a divorce and fighting over custody...but not because they love their daughter.  It's more of a pride thing for them and throughout the movie it's truly shocking the way they treat her...and the saddest part is there are probably tons of parents really like that.  Anyway, the movie ended on a positive note but Mark and I still talk about Maisie as though she were a real person.  Haha, I guess that's my actress side coming in...

So today I had a glimpse.  And kind of a wake-up call.  Of what life could be like...without my Mark.  It only lasted for about 5 minutes but it was the most panicked I've been in a long time.

I had a long day at school today from 8-6 and Mark gets home from work at 4.  I talked to him on the phone briefly before rehearsal and knew he hadn't left work yet at 5 but I figured he would have left soon after that.  He usually stays at work later on the days I'm at school late so he doesn't have to miss me too much (adorable, right?)  So I get home at 6:30 on the dot and am so excited to see him.  But I get a strange feeling when I try to open the door (he never locks it after he gets home) and it's locked.

I open it and our apartment is dark.  There are clothes on the couch and recyclables on the counter and I suddenly feel like something is not right.  I quickly call him.  No answer.  I call again.  No answer.  Where is he???  I call his work but I don't remember his extension.  I try 17 but it's the guy who sits behind him.  I try 18 but now I'm being transferred to the receptionist who has already left.  By this time I'm on my knees saying a silent prayer that everything is going to be alright.  But I look around the apartment and see the pictures of us above our bed, his clothes folded on the couch, Cuddles, the bear he gave me for my birthday before we got engaged who we treat as though he is our child, who is lying on his back on Mark's bedside table.  Mark didn't put him in a cute position the way we always do.  And suddenly it hits me.  What if Mark got into a car accident?  What if I never see him again?  What if that phone call that lasted 5 minutes at 5 o'clock is the last time I ever spoke to hiim???  I remembered saying "I love you" so casually and wishing he had really known just how much I love him.

A part of me felt a little silly for acting this way just because Mark wasn't home but he always answers his phone for me and he is ALWAYS waiting at home for me when I get there.  He would never just not call if he was going to be late.  I think of calling my mom so she can calm me down but instead I leave the apartment.  I can't bare to look at everything the way it is right now because I keep thinking that the next time I put the clothes away and take out the recycling, my life will be changed forever and Mark will not be a part of it anymore.

Tears build up in my eyes as I head down our apartment stairs, not knowing where I'm going.  Then I realize I'm going to look for Mark.  If I find his car then I'll know he's okay.  Of course, the thought doesn't occur to me that if I find his car outside our apartment, he would have gone inside! But none of this matters because as soon as I step out of the door, Mark is pulling up right in front of the apartment in his silver Honda that has never looked more beautiful.

I run over to him and his windows are rolled down.  He's listening to some cute oldies station, smiling his adorable innocent smile.  That smile I was so scared I would never see again.  I lean my head into the open window on the passenger side and give him a long kiss.  As I break away, the tears begin to roll down my cheeks and I choke out, "Where were you?  I was so scared something happened..." and he's out of the car so fast, with his arms around me and it's the best feeling in the world.  Every time.

He's used to my over-reacting and tears (every day...I'm such a girl...but half the time they're happy or laughing tears) and he quickly calms me down but the thoughts keep racing through my head.  What if something did happen to him?  What if yesterday was the last day we spent together?  What did we do?  How did we spend those last moments?  And some day will be the last day.  Hopefully that day doesn't come for many, many, MANY years (and hopefully my day comes first) but right now I am feeling so lucky and blessed that I get to spend another day, another moment with my favorite person in the whole wide world.

Time is all relative

In 3 days it will have already been 3 months since Catherine and I got sealed.  Now you all say ya ya 3 months you're still so fresh, but really 3 months has felt like 3 weeks at most.  I have been so buried at work since the new year I have not had a second to relax!  It seems like the times I may have a relaxing moment something huge comes up with Catherine where we have to find a way to get a bunch of work done.  I think how nice it will be when Catherine finishes school and my work project (33 new parts for Schlege Locks) is over.  I know we will have new stresses and such, but once we get past these two huge milestones we can actually be newly weds again!  Right now we feel like a forty year old couple cause we come home and are pooped from work/school.  We will get through this and around May we will be beginning to see new exciting changes as things start coming around.  I will have my old job back running production at Capstan with a whole lot more experience, understanding and trust in my employees.  I will have gained the trust of new customers .  I will have gained the trust of new suppliers and most importantly I will have proved to myself that I can really do this.  I can be in charge and get HUGE projects done.  At this same time Catherine will be working an internship, will probably be going through an interview process with Disney Voice Over, and will be finding out how great and desirable an actress she really is.  We will still have the same apartment, the same general schedule, and associate with the same people but life will have advanced.  I cannot wait.  We both have a lot of work to get there but I always like to think of time as my ally, constantly rolling on even if the times are hard.  Hard times end and New beginnings come.

I'm currently waiting in my car for Catherine as she films a scene for a class.  I decided to take Catherine because if I didn't drive her she would've stayed at SC and not gotten home until I was asleep most likely.  This gave us at least a couple of hours together today.  Lots of times we are hesitant to tell people how much we truly want to just be together all the time, but really I love that about us.  It is now a part of who we are.  We both go out of our way to be with each other.  Before we got married Catherine would surprise me at work and we'd go out to lunch.  I only get a 30 minute lunch, so she would basically take an hour driving out of her day to spend 30 minutes with me.  I love her so much for that.  We used to, and sometimes still do, sent countdown texts on when we will see eachother again like "7 Hours!!!!!" at 9 in the morning when we were with each other just 3 hours before.  Haha.  Why are we so scared to tell people how much we really love each other?  Why are we scared that people will think we're crazy for going so far out of our way to spend just a short amount of time together?  Well this is my way of throwing caution to the wind and saying yes I am in love with Catherine and I am not ashamed of all the obsession, addiction, and illogical acting that comes with that love.  I can't wait for her to come back.  20 MINUTES!!

Sitting in the car typing