Some of the anxiety is probably from coming back from vacation and getting back into my routine. I am a very organized, methodical person so when my routine gets interrupted (which unfortunately happens often in the industry I'm in) I panic and feel stressed.
I had a voiceover audition yesterday, my first day back and I was so worried about it. It ended up going great and I was relieved but now I have another one today and I was also supposed to work today so I had to get out of that and let people down, as usual. I hate doing that. I hate being forced to be flaky by my job.
I feel like every day I'm just longing for tomorrow and hoping the stress of today melts away in the night. But I'm starting to realize it never really goes away...
I need to learn to let go of my need for control in my life because really we have none. It's so hard for me to accept that which is why I enforce order and structure in all aspects of my life, including trying to get pregnant. I am so worried it'll never happen or if it does I'll miscarry again. Is that really what happened? Did I really have a miscarriage? I think I've been in denial about the whole thing. It was so early that's not really what it was. I much prefer the term "chemical pregnancy". After all, most women have one at some point or another and don't ever know it because they haven't taken a test. That's why I'm not testing until I'm a week late this time around!
I really think I may be pregnant though. I was in my fertile window when we were on vaca in Florida. So Mark and I knew that was going to make trying super fun, ha. We didn't even have our own room! We had to sleep in the couch bed in the living room. So that was tricky and super stressful. We had to stay up until 3 am until everyone was asleep (and my bro and sis are night owls) and I was always so exhausted by the time it was time to go. One time my dad walked out in the middle of the night and we just froze under the covers and pretended to be asleep. Not the way anyone should try to conceive, let me tell you!!!
And now I'm in the two week wait and have been having lots of cm (it's supposed to dry up if your period is coming up) and my temp is very high (it's supposed to go back down) and the biggest sign actually happened in Florida. On Friday I had the worst cramps ever, worse than period cramps but they felt similar. I was so sure my period was going to come, which would have been terrifying because I had only ovulated a few days before so that may have meant an ectopic pregnancy or something. But I'm pretty sure it was implantation cramps. Some women get them and the timing was right and it just felt different! I guess only time will tell.
I know I should keep things in perspective. So many people are going through so many harder trials than me and I have every reason to be calm and happy. I want to be but something is getting in the way. Praying daily though and who knows, maybe it's just babyflies in my tummy :)
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