a birth story

it's been a week since we left the hospital with sweet baby Clark.  the whole experience was sort of surreal...you hear about other people's birth stories, see people going into labor in movies and on television and then when it's happening to you it just doesn't seem quite real.  all the events are unfolding and the different phases of labor progressing and the whole time I'm just thinking, 'is this really happening?  what is life right now?!'

it's the hardest and most rewarding thing i've ever done and I don't think you can really understand what it's like unless you've been through it yourself.  so that's why anytime I asked someone, "what do contractions feel like?" "what does labor feel like?" no one could really give me an answer.  you wouldn't understand unless you've gone through it yourself.  also, they probably didn't want to freak me out!

so my labor actually took place over several days.  I started having contractions,  (at least that's what I thought they were...I didn't have anything to compare them to) early Tuesday morning around 2 a.m.  they felt like a combination of menstrual cramps and shooting gas pains and were lasting around 30-45 seconds, coming every 15 minutes or so.  they weren't that painful, mostly annoying and uncomfortable because every time I got one I woke up.  then around 4 a.m. I made one of my usual trips to the bathroom and lo and behold, I lost my mucus plug!  well part of it.  I would continue to lose more over the next several days.

I started to get excited!  how soon after losing your mucus plug do you go into labor?  I researched it and the answers were all over the place...could be a few days or still a week away!  unfortunately, during the day my contractions dissipated so I started to think it still wasn't time.  but the following night, around the same time, they returned!  this time they weren't as exciting...some were very painful.  they were very regular, coming every 8 minutes for an hour, then every 7 minutes the next hour, and finally every 6 minutes!  I was so exhausted and kept falling asleep in between each one, only to awaken in pain a few moments later.  I also was determined to time them since they were coming so regularly.  I ended up falling asleep timing one at around 3:45 because when I woke up at 9, it said my last contraction was 5 hours long and still going!  ha!  sadly, when I got out of bed, they again disappeared!  I was so confused...were these contractions?  I had my 39 week prenatal appt. later that afternoon and knew I would find out more then.  I brought my hospital bag, just in case!

when I got there, they had me pee in a cup as usual.  I was still continuing to lose pieces of my mucus plug so when I handed the nurse the cup she asked, "are you bleeding?"  I told her about losing my mucus plug and the mysterious contractions.  she asked if I had brought my bags with me because she was pretty sure I was headed to the hospital.  she quickly ran and got the doctor and he wasted no time in checking me.  to my dismay he said, "nope, nothing happening yet!  baby is still high.  only about 2 cm, 60% effaced."

I was crushed.  how could baby still be so high??  and did my contractions mean nothing?  my mom and I left discouraged and stopped at wendy's on the way home.  I was not eating anything unhealthy after I had this baby until I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight so I figured better get it all out of my system now!  (and if you're wondering, yes I still have not eaten anything unhealthy and that includes ice-cream!  for me, that is very impressive!)

the doctor said he expected baby would make an appearance by my due date on Monday.  so I was still hopeful but impatient.  especially since it had been two days since I had a decent night's sleep!  I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep this up...little did I know at the time those last few nights of precious sleep would later seem like heaven!

on Wednesday night the same events unfolded.  each night they were more and more painful and closer together and each night I finally fell asleep and expected to go about the next day as though the night were nothing but a bad dream.  well Thursday was different.

on Thursday I woke up around 10 am after a horrible night of contractions.  I went downstairs to get breakfast and noticed a contraction coming.  not that weird since I was getting them throughout the day sporadically.  but by the time I finished breakfast I had 5 more.  I had planned on being all productive that day because I wasn't sure how many days I had left but I couldn't focus on anything so I decided to give myself the day off and curled up in my parents bed to watch grease! live on Netflix.  except I couldn't even focus on that.  the contractions started coming every 12 minutes and each one was painful.

I decided to sit on an exercise ball and bounce around because I read that can help baby come down.  this turned out to be a great idea because the contractions were the least painful while sitting on that ball.  they continued regularly every 12 minutes for a couple hours.  I started researching how long it takes for contractions to progress from every 12 minutes to every 5 minutes, at which point I could leave for the hospital.  again, I got a myriad of different answers.  some said they could progress in a matter of hours...others said days.  days!!!  I could not take days of extreme pain every 12 minutes!  how would I sleep??  I was so exhausted at this point.

luckily (or unluckily it felt like at the time), after a couple more hours, my contractions suddenly started coming halfway between the 12 minute mark.  a more mild contraction but a contraction nonetheless!  so now they were suddenly coming every 6 minutes.  at this point, I had turned on another movie, bring it on!  classic and a great distraction.  I envied Kirsten Dunst and all those skinny cheerleaders with their amazing bodies while I'm huge over here bouncing on a birthing ball and keeling over in pain every 6 minutes.

I called Mark once my contractions started coming that close and instructed him to stop at the store on the way home for 2 gallons of blue bell ice-cream and m&m's.  if this was the real deal, I needed my last bowl of ice-cream!!  unfortunately (fortunately?) I never got it.

when Mark got home my contractions were 5 minutes apart and each one felt like death!  I was crying and so scared after each one, preparing for the next.  it felt like torture...an electric chair or something where someone had a button and I knew another hit was always coming and when it was coming, which was even worse!  each contraction would start off mild for about 5 seconds, at which point I would cry out to Mark, "it's coming!" and then the pain would last for about 30 seconds before subsiding.  I never knew what to do for each one.  sometimes I froze, other times I breathed, mostly I just cried and screamed.

we set off for the hospital at 8 pm and that car ride was the toughest one of my life.  each little bump killed and I clung to the baby's carseat as my mom massaged my back, trying to imagine the little face that would soon be staring back at me.  if only I knew then what I know now...just how much love I would have for that little face.  I don't think the pain would have been nearly as bad.

when we arrived at the hospital all was quiet and peaceful.  it was after hours so there weren't many people around and all the lights were dim.  I felt better being there, knowing that soon my pain would end.  after a few wrong turns we finally found the place to check in.  the receptionist said to me, "may I help you?" and Mark goes, "we're here to check in."  I told her, "I'm having contractions 5 minutes apart."  she then proceeded to ask me a ton of boring questions like my date of birth and social security number!  are you kidding me here?  we had already pre-registered so I know they had all that information.  and why was she asking me?  hello, I'm in labor!!!

but the funny thing was as soon as we arrived at her desk and I began answering her questions, I didn't have a single contraction!  we were standing there a good 10 minutes and nothing!!!  I was suddenly terrified they were going to send me home.

after finding out everything except my favorite ice-cream flavor (rocky road by the way, which was waiting for me at home) the nurse brought me to a room and hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor.  she then proceeded to ask me 538908138 more questions!!!  only this time my contractions were back.  but they weren't as painful.  I later decided that being around strangers put enough pressure on me to be composed that my mind took over and I was able to ignore the pain and get through each one much easier.  after that, I began to love when the nurse would come in and talk to me!

after all the questions were answered, the nurse checked the monitors.  yes, I was having contractions 5 minutes apart and the baby was doing fine.  she finally finally checked me and I was 3-4 cm and 90% effaced!  I was in labor!!!!  those were the best words I ever heard.  she left to begin the check-in process (didn't we just do that?) and I finally felt some peace.  but not for long.

my contractions continued to get worse, to a point where the pain became almost unbearable.  I was sure I was going to pass out.  I asked when I could have the epidural and she said once I was 5-6 cm.  an hour later I hadn't progressed.  another hour.  nothing.  I was dying!  finally, I became that woman in the movies (I am an actress after all) and started screaming!  give me my epidural!  that stupid nurse said I still wasn't ready but that she could give me something for the pain. um, are you serious??  why was that not offered earlier???

a few minutes later I felt as though the world had turned upside down.  I'm still not sure what she gave me.  all I know is the room started fading and things started going black.  I couldn't keep my eyes open.  at the same time I felt like I wasn't breathing.  it took all my concentration to force each breath in and out and keep myself from falling asleep or I was sure I would pass out since my body wasn't breathing on its own.  I kept saying, "I'm not breathing, I can't breathe!" and Mark would say, "yes you are, you're breathing."  then a contraction hit.  and it was the weirdest feeling ever.

she had told me I would still feel the contractions but they wouldn't be as painful.  it was more like being paralyzed and feeling intense pain but being unable to move or react or do anything to combat the pain.  don't get me wrong, it was much better than before!  it was sort of like being outside of my body and knowing I felt the pain but not really being apart of it.  I know that makes no sense...I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience to understand.

before my epidural

don't know how I'm smiling here!

it's a good thing she gave me something because I faintly heard her say it would be 3-4 more hours before I would likely get my epidural!  I heard the words but couldn't comprehend them.  3-4 more hours of this intense pain???

somehow I made it and at 2 a.m. I was given the epidural.  that word...epidural.  it should be called heaven.  I had been worried getting the epidural would be painful...not so!  I'm totally fine with shots and things like that and it seriously was no more painful than getting blood taken.  and afterwards?  the most incredible warmth!  and no pain!  I couldn't feel. a. thing.  I remember Mark asking what time she thought I would have the baby and she guessed 7 a.m. (she was 7 minutes off).  after that they turned out the lights and I finally got some sleep.  the nurse continued to check me every few hours or so.  there was nothing for me to do since I couldn't feel my legs so I just lay there, waiting for my baby.  now why they don't give you an epidural upon arrival is BEYOND ME!  I know they say it slows things down but I would prefer to be in labor for 2 days with no pain over the half a day of contractions I had.  but I guess that would fill up quite a lot of hospital beds or something...

around 6 a.m. after a final check, I was 9 cm and ready to push!  the nurse asked me if I had practiced pushing.  um, no?  how do you practice something like that?  she rolled her eyes and told me at the next contraction to take a deep breath and then push as hard as I could.  so I did.

"are you pushing?" she asked.  yes, I'm pushing!  "you can't be lady like and push at the same time!"  who said I was trying to be lady like??  she then told me to grunt.  so with the next series of pushes I grunted but I kept running out of breath before she reached 10.  "I can't hold my breath that long" I said. "that's because you're grunting and letting all your air out!" "you told me to grunt!"  "inside your head!"

after awhile I was getting pretty fed up with that nurse and used my anger and frustration with each push.  "now you're getting the hang of it!"  after about 5 more sets of pushing, they told me to stop and that we needed to wait for the doctor.  I'm not sure the point of the doctor since the baby was practically out when he got there.  oh and my doctor was on vacation.  so some random doctor, Dr. Mahan, delivered the baby.

after one push with the doctor, the baby was out!  "it's a boy!" he said and placed this blue squirming, crying baby on my stomach.  the nurse wiped him off and then placed him on my chest for skin to skin.  I was in awe.  I could not fathom that this baby had just come out of my tummy!  he was so beautiful!  Mark and I just stared at him completely in love.

the first hour flew by and soon it was time for baby's first bath.  Mark went with them to the nursery while I waited for the feeling in my legs to return.  I couldn't wait to shower!  the nurse wanted to wait in there with me which annoyed me but then when she finally left I started seeing stars and nearly fainted.  I guess I overestimated my ability to bounce back so quickly...

my family came a few hours later and watching them all hold little Clark for the first time, just as much in love as we were, was the best!

after I moved to my room in mother & baby we dressed Clark in his very first outfits to take a picture for our birth announcement.  how perfect is he?!

we took a million and one pictures over the next three days...I'm using this app called project 365 where you take a photo a day for an entire year.  we will be able to see clark grow from birth to one year old!  here are just a few of my favorites...yes I'm already one of those moms!

I die!

heading home!

little Clark was so alert when I put him in his carseat for the first time.  I was an emotional wreck...he was circumsized just an hour before we left and seeing him in so much distress afterwards killed me.  even though I was dying to get out of that hospital room (I hadn't left the room in 48 hours and was beginning to feel like I was in the matrix, wondering what was really outside those walls), I was so emotional to be leaving.  the nurses were so good to me.  they threw a ton of information at me in the last 10 minutes and I just felt so overwhelmed!  there was so much to remember.  I had so many questions but when they asked I couldn't think of a single one!

as Clark and I sat there in our room, waiting for Mark to get the car, I told him how much I loved him and that even though I had done so much preparation for this, I secretly had no idea what I was doing.  all I wanted was to make sure he was safe and happy and I would do whatever I could to make that happen.

it's been a week since we left the hospital.  I still have no idea what I'm doing.  I think I've gotten less sleep in the past week than I used to get in one night during my pregnancy!  every day there are new challenges and sometimes I'm not sure I can handle it all.  all I know for sure is I've never loved anyone this much in my whole life.  Clark is my world now.  and he makes everything all worth it.